alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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