My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
