he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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