Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
