sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
