I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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