I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
