I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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