omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
