If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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