You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
