Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
