Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
