real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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