literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
