i permit you to call me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
