I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
