I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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