if i can run in heels then i can drive
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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