The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
