my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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