connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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