Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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