you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
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Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
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Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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