I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
