While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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