Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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