Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
