Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
