I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
