This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He passed out mid-signature
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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