If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
