I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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