my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
