Someone shit on the floor
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
