Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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