if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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