But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
