you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
