He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
