It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
