I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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