It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
