i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
