my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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