You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
