when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
