I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
