How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
