So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
