Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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