at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
