like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
