I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
