I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
