i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
What a dumb baby whore.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
