At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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