i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
