So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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