New invention idea: vibrating tampons
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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