Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
