Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
