martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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