Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
